Have you ever felt like you walked right into a wall? Hit by a speeding bullet train? Walked into a body of water and cannot seem to keep your head above the water line?
No?
Yeah me neither...
Now for honesty, I go through seasons of sheer overwhelming-ness, no matter how hard I try or act like things are okay they are not. Over the years I have gotten quite good at putting on this façade of strength and like things are peachy keen! When the reality is, severe anxiety, depression, and feeling like I will never be good enough despite putting my all into whatever I am doing.
Now, I know I am not the only one who deals with this or feels this way. Some people say, welcome to Adulting! Others say that you just need to be ok.
AMAZING! Just be okay! I never thought of that!!! (Yes I'm being EXTREMELY Sarcastic)
To be honest, I don't know how to just be okay. But I know that having the right people around you who will take care of you and hold your hand when you hit the funk is important, it's equally important that when you are back near the top you are also taking care of them. Just because someone seems okay or says they are just fine does not mean that beneath the surface they are struggling any less that you are.
I have been blessed with a support system who I know I need to rely more on, which is difficult because it has been branded into my head to appear okay and to show anything otherwise is just weakness. While it might feel like a weakness, to the right people that weakness is just humanity and they will encourage you, listen to you, or in my case just hold you while you sob your brains out.
My current battle is one that leaves me feeling completely defeated, worthless, and less than my male counterparts. I have been feeling as though everything ends up being my responsibility and that I am held to a higher expectation that they are. While this can be a good thing, when it is something like being on time. The expectation should be the same. I am on time or early most of the time, one day I was only a couple minuets late while my male counterpart shows up regularly 15min to and hour or so late with no repercussions, while I got a phone call about the two minuets. If my male counterpart says he is too busy it becomes my problem and my responsibility to get it done on top of everything else that is my responsibility. I do not mind stepping in to help, but when I become the scape goat, and treated like my whole life belongs to the company and I am "appreciated" but actions prove otherwise, it triggers traumas hard core and I spiral downwards.
Now my issues might not sound that bad, however that is just the surface, not even scratching it. I do not want to dive too deep into the issues because it is current. However, I want to dive into some of these mental health issues on a deeper level.
Interested?
Great! Sorry for the novel read.
Till next time!
-Ha Det